What is the Self Esteem Triad
The Self Esteem Triad are the three foundation stones that need to be in place so that we live out of our I-Amness, achieve our goals and live our lives congruent to who we are, our true selves.
Quite often, we berate ourselves over the gap between what we commit to at the beginning of the year and what we finally achieve. This berating though never seems to change us or motivate us to do the ‘right thing’ so that we achieve our goals next year. This is because the foundation stones necessary to achieve our goals, are not in place.
What needs addressing more than our will power when wanting to achieve our goals, is our standards and our self-esteem. People are realizing this all over the globe. Self-Esteem and Resilient Leaders are being sought out by schools, employers and the personal development industry all over the world.
Self-Esteem is not about healing the past, it is about claiming ourselves, who we are - in all circumstances, which means that all three foundation stones must be in place at all times. Otherwise, if one is not healthy or missing, our self-esteem is rocky at the best of times, and, at the worst of times when we really need our self-esteem. “I’m determined” won’t cut it here. If our big people (our carers through childhood) have not given us these three foundations, then we need to heal and claim ourselves.
There are three core elements to the Self-Esteem Triad:
- Respected Boundaries: Our boundaries are in pace for us & for and with others.
- Needs: We know what our needs are and how to meet them and we are healthy enough to be able to meet them in others.
- Emotional Context: We must be able to tap into emotions that are appropriate for the time, appropriate for others and appropriate for the situation to enable others to tap into them as well.
Any one of those not in place will lead us to a self-esteem that is very dented and many people don’t have any of them in place and don’t know how to meet their needs or have boundaries or have emotional experiences and what happens is they wonder why they aren’t achieving their goals, why things are not happening for them – “what’s wrong with me?”, “why aren’t I enough?”, “one day I’ll….”, “one day I’ll…..”, these are all built on goals not coming through because the foundation stones are not in place.
We may have moments when we break through and our relationships feel amazing or we might meet someone and say this is it, but if the foundation stones never come into place, we will go back to our old ways because of the hole in them. The downside of this and which is horrifying to find out is that in our businesses, we will attract people, staff or clients which have the exact same holes in their foundation stones.
I was speaking with a female entrepreneur last week who came to the realization that all her staff were ‘people pleasers’ which meant that she couldn’t rely on any of them to give her appropriate feedback on either how they, or the business, were going.
No one had the foundation stones of the self-esteem triad in place so no one in her business could offer a healthy, respectful relationship to each other. No one knew the truth about the business or how they were going because when asked a question they did not have these three foundation stones in place so they could not answer from healthy emotions, boundaries and needs but rather said whatever would please the enquirer from several possible aspects e.g. protecting themselves, or others, saying what they thought the enquirer wanted to hear instead of the truth.
All of this is done with the best intentions, people don’t realise that they are doing it but nothing changes because the foundations aren’t in place.
For the next three weeks, we’ll be looking closely at each of these foundation stones so that when in place, your goals will be achievable.